Play Meter

- THE LAST WORD Aid and comfort for the weary traveler I hurried through LaGuardia Airport a la 0 .J. Simpson, racing against the clock to catch my flight back to New Orleans. The weight I'd gained while vacationing in New York made the dash more strenuous, but, thankfully, I arrived at the gate without rupturing an Achilles. I popped a few Dramamene (never know if the turbulence will cause you to regurgitate that airline haute cuisine), kicked off the Cole-Haan dress shoes, and looked forward to a non-stop flight home. Drowsiness began to settle in after I read two chapters of Barbara Tuchman' s latest opus (it wasn't the book, Barbara!). I reclined my seat back, hoping against hope that I would nod off and grab a nap. I felt myselfdrifting...drifting.. .drifting. Hello, deep sleep! Maybe the Swedish bikini team in the Old Milwaukee ads would reprise their act from last night's dream. Drifting.. .drifting. I'm gone. W AAAAHHHH! WAAAAHHHH! MOMMY, HELP ME! I shot up like I'd been catapulted, cracking my head on the overhead storage bin. My God, had one of the wings fallen off? A blown engine? No, nothing that catastrophic. The voice screaming bloody murder belonged to a little darling sitting behind me-Julie was her name, ifl recall. What troubled Julie, who looked to be about six years old? It seems her charming brother, a nine- or 10-year-old named PLAYMETEI! 244 SEPTEMBER 1991 Christopher (too bad), wouldn' t stop touching her. Not hitting or pinching, but touching her. I know Dr. Spock would consider me an outdated ogre, but their mother should 've knocked the hell out of the both of them and said there's more where that came from . Alas, she tried to reason with them instead, and it kept on. ''Christopher has been by the window long enough, " Julie wailed. "It's my tum!" "Mom, the plane just left 30 minutes ago," Christopher retorted. "Tell Julie to shut up!" "You shut up, stupid!" "Mom, she called me stupid! " Finally, Momgottough. "Bothofyou be quiet! Christopher, read your comic books. Julie, play with your dolls. If you don't behave I'm going to tell your father when we get home." Dad must be a hard-liner like me, because the two of them piped down pronto. As I contemplated these goings-on- I couldn't fall back asleep!-it occurred to me that the airlines need to find a way to placate children cooped up on an airplane. They can only read books and sing Disney songs for so long. How about a coin-op game set on free play? It'll have to be a game that takes up the least amount of space; a roll-down won't do. Every child between five and 12 years old will be forced to play; no civil rights here. If the flight lasts two hours-120 minutes-and you have 12 eligible combatants on board, they will each get 10 minutes on the game, with the highestscoring brat at the end of the competition receiving a prize. The kicker: they will not be allowed to speak, scream, or gyrate wildly while playing or waiting their tum. Mild gesturing is the only thing permissible on my ideal flight . Violation of the rules will result in instant 50-cent play. Unfortunately, my plan doesn't include flights with loads of kids aboard; it would just be too hard to implement. Likewise, we can't expect infants or three-year-olds to play. Their screaming will simply have to be tolerated as best as possible. I know, I know, it sounds a bit crude and unworkable. I'll admit that the kinks need to be ironed out. Maybe you can devise some improvements on your next flightthe one Julie and Christopher have booked. D Christopher Caire News Editor