Play Meter

HE LAST WORD
Making video sports
games more realistic
W
hile sauntering through the exhibit
floor at the recent AMOA show in
Las Vegas, trying to be as inconspicuous as
a man in a tuxedo could ever hope to be, I
took special note of the video games with
sports themes. The manufacturers who bring
us these games have, for the most part, done
a laudable job with the graphics, sound ef-
fects, skill requirements, and excitement
levels.
Ah , but wait. As a certifiable sports nut
(some would say leave off the ' 'sports' ' ad-
jective), one who cons iders ESPN the
g rea tes t achieveme nt in broadcasting
history, I feel compelled to point out some
missing features that would make these
sports games really true-to-life. And , for
good measure, I '11 include a few sports that
haven' t received much attention on the video
screen.
Golf: The video golf games I've played
are a lot of fun, offering full club selection,
challeng ing hol e layouts, and a host of
hazards (i.e. , sand , water, rough , out-of-
bounds, etc.). But I'd love to see a game with
Frank, The Weekend Duffer.
Frank is not a PGA Tour professional, nor
is he a scratch golfe r. Rather, he is like most
of us: he cheats. My golf game would let
Frank take at least one mulligan every nine
holes, or maybe one for the front nine and
o ne for the back nine. If Frank' s ball is
resting atop a tree root, he will be able to kick
it into the fairway while no one is looking.
All putts within I 0 feet shall be deemed
"gimmes." And , for a healthy dose o f
realism, Frank will chop 13 strokes off of his
score at game's end , claiming he dropped the
actual scorecard in the parking lot.
Basketball: Sure, the jump shots, slam
dunks, and demonstrative coaches are all
there. But let's say we had a video version
called NCAA College Basketball. For an ac-
curate portrayal , we'd need to incorporate
student athletes who couldn ' t read beyond a
second-grade level, payoffs to players from
150 PLAY METER/ November 1989
wealthy alumni , coaches breaking their con-
tracts for greener ($) pastures at another
university, and sanctimonious athletic direc-
to rs proclaiming that the ir programs are
" beyond reproach."
And then there's the NBA. Magic Johnson
has already been featured in a video game,
but we've yet to see something along the
lines of, say , Crybaby Cokeheads. This
basketball game would consist of overgrown
millionaires who I ) play for 24 minutes, 2)
bitch at the referees for the fouls they didn 't
commit, 3) make one-third of their shots , and
4) berate their coach in the press for lack of
playing time. The game would close with the
player 5) entering a dctox unit due to cocaine
and alcohol abuse, brought on by '' the over-
whelming pressures common to the profes-
sional athlete ."
Wrestling: I ' m not talking about
legitimate, Olympic-style wrestling . What
I' m referring to is the staged, theatrical
" rassl in "' with overweight blobs mas-
querading as athletes . Manufacturers of
wrestling-themed videos have captured these
entertaining buffoons well , right down to
their zany names and devastating " holds."
My wrestling game would go one step fur-
ther, concentrating on the one e lement that
makes professional wrestling matches so
hysterical: the rabid , duped fans. I'm still
amazed at the seething hatred dis played by
the fans when the villain pulls another of his
many dirty tricks. As he gouges the eyes of
the good-guy hero (while the referee's back
is turned, o f course), the fans go berserk .
They shout expletives, pump fists, wave
crudely-made s igns, and, when really pro-
voked, hurl beer and other debris into the
ring. Bring the fans into video wrestling, and
watch the quarters pour in.
Tennis: I would have a spec ific venue for
tennis- the U.S. Open in New York. All of
the nuances from the real tournament could
be brought to the world of video games: the
planes zoom ing over the stadium after tak-
ing off from Laguard ia Ai rport; the New
York fans treating tennis matches like
hoc key games; and the TV close-ups of
celebrities in town for the event.
Also, since professional tennis is made up
of players from across the globe, I'd include
taped voices in English, French, Spanish ,
German, Italian, and Swedish. The players
can curse the linesmen, in unison, after every
blown call or similar injustice. Given the
temperament oftoday's players, the video
game would have sound effects to rival a
United Nations meeting gone amuck.
Fishing: Lastly, we come to this age-old
sport . My first temptation would be to create
a game based in the Gulf of Mexico, with a
chartered boat full of anglers in excited quest
of the mighty bl ue marlin. But I think I'd opt
fo r the more common fishing outing, at least
among the weekend warriors I know.
You're Sure This Is A Hot Spot? would
consist of four fishermen in an eight-year-old
skiff, floating aimlessly in oneofLouisiana's
endless waterways. The fishermen (players)
cast their lines and are entitled to fi ve reel-
ins. The bigger the catch, the higher the
points awarded. But if the player reels in an
old boot, his turn immediately ends and his
score is wiped out. To make this game more
authentic, though, I would g ive extra points
to the player devious enough to race to the
fis h market, buy 10 fish fillets, and convince
his wife that it's the day's catch.
Well , that s hou ld tide me over for now.
Wait a mi nute! What about Urban Fencing
in southside Chicago, or ... 0
Christopher Caire
News Editor