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THE LAST WORD one of those people who likes to draw II'm Ldistinctions no matter how subtle. It probably ag- 'm one of those people who likes to draw distinctions no matter how subtle. It probably agForexample, example, gravates those around around me, me, but butso so what. what. For gravates those if someone someone would would say, say, "My ' ' My favorite favorite instrument instrument in if in jazz is the saxophone, " I would respond, "Which jazz is the saxophone," I would respond, "Which one? The The tenor, tenor, soprano, soprano, alto alto or or baritone baritone sax?" sax?" one? II would would also also sub-classify sub-classify misfortune. misfortune. There's bad There's bad or flukish flukish in in nature. nature. SpillSpillluck , which which is is accidental accidental or luck, ing tomato sauce on your new silk tie, stubbing your ing tomato sauce on your new silk tie, stubbing your toe , or or losing losing the the 7th 7th race race because because your your horse horse threw threw toe, of plain bad luck. the jockey are all examples the jockey are all examples of plain bad luck. On the the other other hand, hand , there's there ' s impending impending doom. doom. In In On these cases , you know it ' s coming. Forget escaping, these cases, you know it's coming. Forget escaping, just prepare prepare for for it with stiff stiff upper upper lip. lip. High High school school just it with " I tried new chemistry tests, dental visits, and chemistry tests, dental visits, and "I tried aa new recipe" all all come come to to mind. mind. recipe" When I heard that my two nephews, nephews , Jason Jason and and MatMatWhen I heard that my two thew, had had received received ""aa Nintendo" Nintendo" for for Christmas, Christmas, II thew, of impending doom. There was overcome with a surge was overcome with a surge of impending doom. There was good reason for my apprehension: was good reason for my apprehension: somewhere, somewhere, ·challenged to to aa no-holdsno-holdssometime , II would would be be challenged sometime, barred , mano mano aa mano mano battle battle for for video video game game barred, supremacy . And I had little doubt who would lose: supremacy. And I had little doubt who would lose: me . me. Quite simply, simply , II am amlousy lousy at at video, video, unless unless one one would would Quite one'"ade'adebekind kind enough enoughto tocall call being beingmired mired at atlevel level one be quate.'' Ifl have to laser-blast mutants with my right quate. " If I have to laser-blast mutants with my right ofharm's harm ' s way way with withmy my hand while whilemaneuvering maneuvering out out of hand left, forget it. Similarly, in games with street-fighting left, forget it. Similarly, in games with street-fighting or other other combat combatthemes, themes , II tend tend to to punch punch when when II should should or It's not uncommon for me be kicking and vice versa . be kicking and vice versa. It's not uncommon for me tohit hitthe the "jump" ' 'jump'' button buttonin inrapid-fire rapid-fire succession, succession, only only to to look up and find no obstacles in my path. Great for to look up and find no obstacles in my path. Great for promise, though, though, that thatI'm I'm able able ballet, bad bad for for video. video. (I(Ipromise, ballet, to walk and chew gum at the same time.) to walk and chew gum at the same time.) My first first duel duel was was with with six-year-old six-year-old Jason. Jason. "Why ' 'Why My Uncle Chris?" Chris?'' he he asked. asked. are your your palms palms so so sweaty, sweaty, Uncle are "Uh, that's not sweat, son. I probably didn'tdry my "Uh, that's not sweat, son. I probably didn't dry my was my my answer. answer. hands very very well well after after washing washing them," them ,'' was hands It's amazing what six-year-olds will believe. It's amazing what six-year-olds will believe. 146 PLAY PLAY METER/May MET E R/ May 1989 1989 146 Webers Thesmires Saving an Saving an adult adult from video humiliation ''Hurry,'' IIthought, thought, "think ''think of ofan an excuse excuse why why you you "Hurry," can'tplay!" play!'' My My despair, despair,however, however, soon soon diminished. diminished . can't In fact, I psyched myself into believing could beat beat In fact, I psyched myself into believing II could "I'm 20 20 years years older older than than him, him, for for God's God's this child. child. "I'm this sake! He He can't can'thang hang with withme, me, no no matter matter how how rudimenrudimensake! tary my my video video skills skills may may be." be.'' tary After my first round of Super Mario Mario Bros., Bros. , which which After my first round of Super of points, points, my my conconproduced very very little little in in the the way way of produced fidence was diminishing like air slowly being releasfidence was diminishing like air slowly being released from from aa balloon. balloon. Who Who knows, knows, IImused, mused, maybe maybe he'll he'll ed be as bad as me. I soon learned to leave the musing to be as bad as me. I soon learned to leave the musing to Socrates. Socrates. It's one one thing thingto tolose. lose. It's It's another another to to lose lose badly. badly . But But It's when your your competitor competitoris is able able to to reach reach the the fifth fifth stage stage when while eating Lucky Charms and glancing over at The while eating Lucky Charms and glancing over at The Flinstones, that's that's aa salty salty wound, wound, indeed. indeed. Flinstones, ''LoserLeave Town'' match, IIhophopHaving lost the Having lost the "Loser Leave Town" match, ped on onaaplane planefrom from New New Orleans Orleansto to Houston Houstonto tomeet meet ped Competitor #2, Matthew, who's five-and-a-half (not Competitor #2, Matthew, who's five-and-a-half (not I'vefound, found, don't don'tlike likebeing being shortshortfive; kids kids that that age, age, I've five; changed six months.) I was socializing with my changed six months.) I was socializing with my brotherand andhis his wife wifewhen, when, from from another anotherroom, room, IIheard heard brother a soft voice call my name. ''Um, Uncle Chris, do you a soft voice call my name. "Um, Uncle Chris, do you you'd like like to to play play aa game game of ofNintendo?" Nintendo?" think you'd think Having heard that line, most people would say, say, Having heard that line, most people would ''Oh , how Not me. me. Between Between the the lines, lines, II "Oh, how sweet.'' sweet." Not "What's this? A fresh piece of meat forme to heard, heard, "What's this? A fresh piece of meat for me to here!'' prey upon? upon? Move Move those those crayons crayons and and get get over overhere!" prey I'll skip the gory details. After the assassin reachI'll skip the gory details. After the assassin reached the the seventh seventh stage, unplugged the ed stage, II unplugged the machine. machine. My plea to video game manufacturers: help those those My plea to video game manufacturers: help of us who are being humiliated by our younger (much of us who are being humiliated by our younger (much younger)brethren. brethren. Give Giveus us something, something, anything, anything to to younger) don't like being the brunt of even up the odds. I even up the odds. I don't like being the brunt of aa kindergartener' sjokes. jokes. kindergartener's 1, ~¥1~ pher Caire Christo Christopher Caire Caire Christopher News Editor Editor News