Play Meter

THE LAST WORD
Playing
revisionist
history
T
hroughout history , men and nations have resorted
to violence as an ultimate solution to their disputes.
When Aaron Burr and Alexander Hamilton could not set-
tle their differences verbally in 1804, they resorted to the
only honorable recourse: a duel. A bullet from Burr's pistol
ended their impasse, costing America one of its greatest
statesmen.
And really , wouldn't you have thought that the English
and the French could ' ve reached an accord to end the Hun-
dred Years War after it was the Two Years War or Eight
Years War? I mean, I've heard of divisive issues and strong
differences of opinion , but .fighting for 100 years? It bog-
gles the mind to think of the unnecessary carnage.
It occurred to me that these and other famous historical
conflicts could ' ve been avoided had coin-op amusement
equipment been around then. Think about it.
The French are celebrating the 200th anniversary of the
French Revolution, but it may not have ever come to pass
had their been video games to quell the angry mobs. The
aristocratic operators could've set the games on four plays
for a franc, with " free play" hour from 1 to 3 p.m. "Hey
Jacques, put down your club! Pierre LaTour just install-
ed a new game, Le Cafe de Paris, in his arcade,'' one can
imagine hearing. Marie Antoinette's famous quote about
the bourgeoisie would' ve then been , "Let them maneuver
joysticks. ''
Or how about the Civil War. Jefferson Davis could've
gathered representatives from all of the Southern states and
said, " Look, I don't think we're gonna be able to work
things out with Lincoln and them damn Yankees. We could
secede from the Union, but things could get messy and lead
to war. Tell ya what . Me and Robert E. Leearegonnaissue
a challenge to ole ' Abe and U.S. Grant. I want Lincoln's
butt on the electronic darts board; Lee can whup Grant at
pinball any day of the week.''
Not knowing that Lincoln and Grant participated in
Washington, D.C., leagues, the Southern pair were sound-
ly defeated. The headlines screamed: "WAR AVERTED
WHEN TEAM NORTH BEATS TEAM SOUTH AT
158 PLAY METER/July 1989
DARTS AND PINBALL ; SLAVERY ENDS."
Jumping ahead to present-day conflicts, wouldn't it be
great if iron-handed , oppressive swine like Castro,
Noriega, Ortega and their ilk could be ousted from power
if they lostacoin-op challenge match? I can see all of them
now in their army fatigues, being chased like dogs down
the streets of their respective capitals. Chants of' 'Hey
Fidel , you stink at darts'' and ''Should've bought a pinball
machine with the drug money, Manuel" filling the air.
What a glorious sight!
As this was being written, the student unrest in Com-
munist China had not yet subsided. Beijing's Tiananmen
Square was packed with students clamoring for democracy
and the removal of leaders Li Peng and Deng Xiaoping.
Think of the potentially massive student/soldier violence
that could be spared if a student was allowed to play old
fossil Deng in video, with the winner choosing China's
form of government. It wouldn't take a fortune cookie to
predict the outcome of such a scenario.
In the same vein, how about a citizen of Soviet-controlled
Georgia squaring off against Gorbachev in a game of
Tetris? If Gorby loses , he must remove that purple blotch
from his scalp and award the Georgians their sovreignty.
There's one more I'd love to see: a video game called
Ayatollah, where ... oh nevermind. I don't want that lunatic
sending hit squads after me a La Salaman Rushdie.
That's my brilliant answer to world peace: extend a roll
of quarters instead of an olive branch. "CAIRE WINS
NOBEL PEACE PRIZE WITH REVOLUTIONARY
IDEA." Yes, that does have a nice ring to it.
Christopher Caire
News Editor