Automatic Age
Issue: 1941 April - Page 94
April, 1941
AUTOMATIC AGE
94
FUNNY BONE TICKLERS
•
ANY SIM ILARITY TO PERSONS LIVIN G OR DEAD IS
PURELY INTENTIONAL
“Have you ever s t u d i e d the
classics?”
“Have I? You know Carmen?”
“O f course.”
“ What's she been doing lately?”
A prominent society woman, a spin
ster, went to a big costume ball. Late
the next morning she awoke in bed
and couldn’t remember how she had
come home or anything. To compli
cate matters further, she was hor
rified to find herself stark naked,
which worried her. She called her
maid and said: “ Did you put me to
bed last night?” The maid replied
negatively. Naturally she was puz
zled. After thinking it over, she called
her chauffeur and inquired: “Do you
know who put me to bed last night?”
“I did, mam,” said the chauffeur.
The lady was aghast. Quickly she
asked: “Was I tight?” He answered:
“No, of course not.” And with that
the household resumed its normal
routine.
A traveling man tells us that the
first knock may be Opportunity, but
the second may be the house detective.
Sign in old-time cattle country
restaurant: “ Snack, two bits; square
meal, four bits; belly-ache, one dol
lar.”
Miss Priscilla Pratt spent her vaca
tion in a large city where she ex
pected to be shocked, but instead
found things so moral that she gladly
gave the much-maligned community
her approval. With impressive em
phasis she. said:
“I am favorably impressed with the
splendid family life here. Never have
I seen so many daddies dancing with
their datighters.”
Classroom Classics
In most of the United States mur
derers are put to death by elocution.
In the seventeenth century traveling
was very romantic, as they had no
roads; only bridal paths.
The only article of clothing worn
by Ghandi in India is the sirloin.
Robert Louis Stevenson got mar
ried and went on his honeymoon. It
was then he wrote, “Travels W ith a
Donkey.”
A circle is a round straight line
with a hole in the middle.
Father Wouldn’t Like It
A kind-hearted farmer told the for
lorn boy whose load of hay had over
turned in the road to forget his
troubles and come in and have dinner
with his family. It would be time
enough, he told the boy, to right the
hayrick after a good meal.
The boy demurred, saying he didn’t
think his father would like it.
But the farmer persisted and won.
After the meal the boy said he felt
better and expressed his appreciation
of the hospitality. Then he repeated
that he was sure his father wouldn’t
like it.
“Nonsense!” said the host. “ By the
way,” he added, “Where’s your
father?”
“Why,” said the boy, “ he’s under
the hay.”
“Kitty Foyle” on why she loves to
dance: “ You can tell what he'll do
before he does i t ”
“What did the needle say to the
nudist?”
“Sew what!”
A mother of eight children got into
a conversation with the Captain of
a ship; then asked: “Captain, have
you any children?”
“Yes, I have three — one five years
old, one ten years old, and one fifteen
years old.”
Whereupon the woman exclaimed:
“Why, Captain, what long cruises you
officers do make.”
“ You say this woman shot her
husband with this pistol and at close
range?” asked the corner of the eye
witness to a colored tragedy.
“Yassuh.”
“Are there powder marks on his
body?”
“Yassuh. Das why she shot him.”
© International Arcade Museum
Little Girl: “Nurse, will I have a
moustache on my lip like Daddy when
I grow up?”
Nurse (absently): “Pretty often,
dear, I expect.”
When papa told Daisy they’d have
to pay the $2,000 mortgage, his
daughter said she’d pay it and for
him not to worry.
“Daisy, have you got $2,000?”
“Yes, papa, I saved it up and it’s in
the bank.”
“ Daisy, have you been a good
girl?”
“Yes, papa, I gotta be good to get
$2,000.”
Many a person claiming to be a
social lion isn't even social — he's
just plain lyin.
Would-be Employer: “Young man,
do you have references from your
last place of employment?”
Applicant: “Yes, sir. Here’s their
letter. It reads: ‘To whom it may con
cern. We had Sam Jones working
for us for three weeks and we can
truthfully say we are satisfied.”
“ Who gave the bride away?”
“Her little brother. He stood right
up in the middle of the ceremony,
and yelled, ‘Hurray, Louise, you've
got him at last'.”
Description of Hollywood: “ A West
ern mining camp with service from
the Ritz.”
SIGNS
Pawnbroker'8: “See me at your
earliest inconvenience.”
Beauty Shop: “I f your hair isn’t
becoming to you, you should be com
ing to us."
Laundry: “We soak clothes, not
the customer.”
Restaurant: “ Use less sugar and
stir like hell; we don't mind the
noise”
Justice of the Peace: “ Marry in
haste and repeat at leisure.”
Tearoom: “What foods these mor
sels be!”
http://www.arcade-museum.com/
AUTOMATIC AGE
94
FUNNY BONE TICKLERS
•
ANY SIM ILARITY TO PERSONS LIVIN G OR DEAD IS
PURELY INTENTIONAL
“Have you ever s t u d i e d the
classics?”
“Have I? You know Carmen?”
“O f course.”
“ What's she been doing lately?”
A prominent society woman, a spin
ster, went to a big costume ball. Late
the next morning she awoke in bed
and couldn’t remember how she had
come home or anything. To compli
cate matters further, she was hor
rified to find herself stark naked,
which worried her. She called her
maid and said: “ Did you put me to
bed last night?” The maid replied
negatively. Naturally she was puz
zled. After thinking it over, she called
her chauffeur and inquired: “Do you
know who put me to bed last night?”
“I did, mam,” said the chauffeur.
The lady was aghast. Quickly she
asked: “Was I tight?” He answered:
“No, of course not.” And with that
the household resumed its normal
routine.
A traveling man tells us that the
first knock may be Opportunity, but
the second may be the house detective.
Sign in old-time cattle country
restaurant: “ Snack, two bits; square
meal, four bits; belly-ache, one dol
lar.”
Miss Priscilla Pratt spent her vaca
tion in a large city where she ex
pected to be shocked, but instead
found things so moral that she gladly
gave the much-maligned community
her approval. With impressive em
phasis she. said:
“I am favorably impressed with the
splendid family life here. Never have
I seen so many daddies dancing with
their datighters.”
Classroom Classics
In most of the United States mur
derers are put to death by elocution.
In the seventeenth century traveling
was very romantic, as they had no
roads; only bridal paths.
The only article of clothing worn
by Ghandi in India is the sirloin.
Robert Louis Stevenson got mar
ried and went on his honeymoon. It
was then he wrote, “Travels W ith a
Donkey.”
A circle is a round straight line
with a hole in the middle.
Father Wouldn’t Like It
A kind-hearted farmer told the for
lorn boy whose load of hay had over
turned in the road to forget his
troubles and come in and have dinner
with his family. It would be time
enough, he told the boy, to right the
hayrick after a good meal.
The boy demurred, saying he didn’t
think his father would like it.
But the farmer persisted and won.
After the meal the boy said he felt
better and expressed his appreciation
of the hospitality. Then he repeated
that he was sure his father wouldn’t
like it.
“Nonsense!” said the host. “ By the
way,” he added, “Where’s your
father?”
“Why,” said the boy, “ he’s under
the hay.”
“Kitty Foyle” on why she loves to
dance: “ You can tell what he'll do
before he does i t ”
“What did the needle say to the
nudist?”
“Sew what!”
A mother of eight children got into
a conversation with the Captain of
a ship; then asked: “Captain, have
you any children?”
“Yes, I have three — one five years
old, one ten years old, and one fifteen
years old.”
Whereupon the woman exclaimed:
“Why, Captain, what long cruises you
officers do make.”
“ You say this woman shot her
husband with this pistol and at close
range?” asked the corner of the eye
witness to a colored tragedy.
“Yassuh.”
“Are there powder marks on his
body?”
“Yassuh. Das why she shot him.”
© International Arcade Museum
Little Girl: “Nurse, will I have a
moustache on my lip like Daddy when
I grow up?”
Nurse (absently): “Pretty often,
dear, I expect.”
When papa told Daisy they’d have
to pay the $2,000 mortgage, his
daughter said she’d pay it and for
him not to worry.
“Daisy, have you got $2,000?”
“Yes, papa, I saved it up and it’s in
the bank.”
“ Daisy, have you been a good
girl?”
“Yes, papa, I gotta be good to get
$2,000.”
Many a person claiming to be a
social lion isn't even social — he's
just plain lyin.
Would-be Employer: “Young man,
do you have references from your
last place of employment?”
Applicant: “Yes, sir. Here’s their
letter. It reads: ‘To whom it may con
cern. We had Sam Jones working
for us for three weeks and we can
truthfully say we are satisfied.”
“ Who gave the bride away?”
“Her little brother. He stood right
up in the middle of the ceremony,
and yelled, ‘Hurray, Louise, you've
got him at last'.”
Description of Hollywood: “ A West
ern mining camp with service from
the Ritz.”
SIGNS
Pawnbroker'8: “See me at your
earliest inconvenience.”
Beauty Shop: “I f your hair isn’t
becoming to you, you should be com
ing to us."
Laundry: “We soak clothes, not
the customer.”
Restaurant: “ Use less sugar and
stir like hell; we don't mind the
noise”
Justice of the Peace: “ Marry in
haste and repeat at leisure.”
Tearoom: “What foods these mor
sels be!”
http://www.arcade-museum.com/
Future scanning projects are planned by the International Arcade Museum Library (IAML).