Automatic Age

October, 1940
AUTOMATIC AGE
“Why, the idea! The average man
always kisses me on the hand.”
“Maybe so, but I ’m away above
average, baby.”
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“ But darling, you said you’d walk
a mile for one of my kisses.”
“I know, baby, but your husband
made me r u n !”
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“Is your big moment fast?”
“Fast! Why, his speedometer reg­
isters ninety when we’re standing in
a parking place”
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Cute Charmer: “A ll I have to do
to my lips to make them irresistible
is put a couple of drops of perfume
on them.”
Catty Charmer: “ H uh! A ll I have
to do to mine is pucker them u p !”
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An old Scotsman was smoking in
the waiting room of a railway sta­
tion. A porter said to him: “ Don’t
you see that notice on the wall, *No
Smoking Allowed’?”
“ Yes, I do,” said the Scot, “but
how can I keep all your rules? There’s
another on the wall, *Wear Janella
Corsets'.”
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“ My girl has such funny habits
that I ’m turning in my car and buy­
ing a boat.”
“W hat? You mean she likes boats
and hates cars?”
“ No, she likes walking and can’t
sw im !”
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“I ’m giving a party tonight, and
the girl with the most daring costume
will get a prize.”
“Whoopee! I ’ll be there with bells
,
on. 99
“Then You’ve as good as lost.”
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“ Our best football player ran in
the wrong direction.”
“ Gosh! Toward the opponent’s
goal?”
No, toward the church!”
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“ I ’m afraid our son will be in the
hospital a long time.”
Why, did you see the doctor?”
“ No, I saw son’s nurse.”
O laf Swanson, fresh from the Old
Country, moved to a small western
city and set up a painting and decor­
ating business.
His first job was that of painting
the interior of a little house which
the newly-wedded Mr. and Mrs. M il­
ler had recently moved into. Olaf
went at his work diligently and at
the end of the day had completed
about half of the job. Upon leaving
he warned Mrs. Miller against touch­
ing the fresh paint which would re­
quire several hours in which to dry.
Mrs. Miller assured him she would be
careful and would also caution her
husband when he returned from his
office.
But when Mr. Miller arrived a few
minutes later he accidentally brushed
his hand against the bedroom wood­
work before his wife could warn him
of the wet paint.
Very much upset over the finger­
marks which showed plainly on the
painted surface, Mrs. Miller rushed
to meet O laf when he arrived at the
house on the following morning.
“ Oh, Mr. Swanson!” she cried.
“ Come in here. I want to show you
where my husband put his hand last
night.”
O laf stroked his chin and pondered
for a moment.
Finally, grinning broadly, he re­
plied: “ No, lady. I yust come here
to paint.”
*
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“Ah, me proud beauty, I ’d give my
life for another kiss from you.”
“And I ’d let you have another, if
I had a life to give.”
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When a guy hitch-hikes he tramps
along looking for a little ride, but
when he joy rides, he rides along
looking for a little tramp.
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“When I visited the theater back­
stage, one of the stage-hands for a
prank locked me up with the chorus
girls in their dressing room.”
“Did you settle with him after you
were let out?”
“Yes, I gave him a hundred dol­
lars.”
© International Arcade Museum
S L IP S B Y T H E E D IT O R
The girl, missing since Saturday
noon, was employed at a Flopist’s
Shop on West 8th Street. — Trevor
(La.) Record.
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A fter promising to m arry her, Miss
Fondell alleked young Doreen jolted
her and wed another .— Dalmas (Cal.)
News.
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Dr. Eddy stated he found Miss
Grim in a delicious condition, quite
out of her head and running a tem­
perature of 10 4 degrees. — Latham
(me.) Pioneer.
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Miss Nellie Jolly entertained very
pleasantly Saturday night, in a show­
er for Bill Debbs. — Olin (Texas)
times.
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In his suit for divorce the 59-year-
old wealthy bridegroom testified that
an hour after they were wed his
young wife demanded a check for
$500, and when he refused to give it
to her she began to amuse him. — Lor-
man (Nebr.). Journal.
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SH O R T , S H O R T P A R L O R S T O R Y
“ Don’t forget I ’m a lady I”
“Don’t!”
“Forget I ’m a lady!”
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Hoozy— “W h a t’s the difference be­
tween a florist and a chambermaid?”
Woozy— “Well, a florist pots the
palms and a chambermaid palms the
— aw, now you go o n !”
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Maybee you’ve heard about the old
maid who, upon finding a man under
her bed exclaimed, “Oh! What are
you going to do to me— I hope!”
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Sailor (tickling H ula girl under
chin)— “Itchy cootchie, cootchie, lit­
tle one?”
H ula Gal— “Naw, I ’m tired. Let’s
neck!”
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You should hear my hubby criti­
cize the way I dress.”
“Oh, you spend too much for
clothes.
“No, I don’t spend enough for
shades.”
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