Automatic Age

20
AUTOMATIC AGE
October, 1937
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Teachsr: “ Can you tell me the dif­
ference between a stoic and a cynic?”
Abie: “ A stoic is a boid that brings
the babies and a cynic is the place
where you wash the dishes.”
* * *
Ephraim: “ Dat child o’ yourn am
mighty slow learnin’s at school. How
does yo’ all account fo’ dat?”
Ezekial: “ Well, de school am two
miles from here, an’ dat chile done
fo’gits all de teachah tells him fo’ he
git half way home.”
*
*
*
Teacher: “ What is a mummy?”
Tommy: “ Please, miss, a pickled
queen.”
*
*
*
Teacher: “ Now, children, since we
have described what trees, flowers and
plants are, who can tell me in his own
words what grass is?”
Small Boy: “ I can, teacher. Grass
is whiskers on the earth.”
*
*
*
“ Tom, how much does a twelve-
pound turkey weigh?” asked the
teacher.
“ I dunno,” confessed Tom.
“ Well, what time does the nine
o’lock train leave?”
“ Nine o’clock.”
“ That’s right. Now how much does
a twelve-pound turkey weigh?”
“ Oh!
Now I understand — nine
pounds.”
*
*
*
“ Now, boys,” said the schoolmaster,
“ the word novelette means ‘a short
tale.’ You may now write in your
copybooks a sentence containing the
word.”
A few minutes later he picked up
Johnny Brown’s effort, and read
aloud: “ Yesterday I saw a fox terrier
running down our street with a tin
can tied to his novelette.”
*
*
*
In a Negro school there was one boy
so black that even the other pupils
called him “ Midnight.”
All went well until another pupil
came to the school who was only a
few shades lighter than “ Midnight.”
On being called his nickname, “ Mid­
night,” by the new pupil, the black
one answered: “ Listen heah, you,
don’t you call me ‘Midnight.’ You’s
about half-past eleven yo’-self.”
*
*
#
Mrs. Smithers had decided to have
the floor of her reception room pol­
ished and accordingly she sent to a
large firm asking them to put a man
on the job as soon as possible. When
the polisher arrived his manner was
far from energetic, and the anxious
lady of the house was afraid he would
not do the floor properly.
“ You know Mrs Gerton’s house
next door but one?” he said rather in­
dignantly. “ Well, I refer you to them.
On the polished floor of the dining
room five persons broke their legs last
winter and a lady slipped clean down
the staircase.
I polished all their
floors.”
*
*
*
A visitor to Ireland was bidding
farewell, and said to an attendant:
“ Goodbye, Pat.”
“ Goodbye, yer honor. May Heaven
bless you, and may every hair in your
head be a candle to light your soul to
glory!”
“ Well, Pat,” he said, showing him a
bald pate, “ when that time comes
there won’t be much of a torchlight
procession.”
^ * *
“ W hat’s the matter here?” ’ asked
the policeman of the battered man ly­
ing on the sidewalk outside an apart­
ment house.
“ Oh just absent-mindedness,” was
the reply.
“ What are you talking about?” re­
torted the officer.
“ Well, you see I live on the fourth
floor of this building. My wife and I
are both very absent-minded. I just
came home from a long business trip,
and my wife and I were at the dinner
table when a step sounded in the hall
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and someone tried the door. Well, my
wife is so absent-minded that she said,
‘ Goodness, here comes my husband!”
and I’m so abent-minded that I
jumped out the window.”
*
*
*
The midget had obtained a job in
a factory.
A t the end of the first
week, however, he gave notice. The
foreman expressed his surprise.
“ Well, you see, sir,” explained the
midget, “ one of the first questions my
mates asked me was how tall I am. I
told them I was exactly two feet
high.”
“ Well,” returned the foreman, “ why
should you want to leave us? Didn’t
you like the question?”
“ Oh, I didn’t mind that,” came the
response, “ but I do object to being
picked up every five minutes and used
as a two-foot rule.”
*
*
*
Teacher: “ Johnny, will you please
tell the class what an octopus is?” ’
Johnny: “ It must be a cat with
eight sides.”
* * *
A school teacher relates that she
was giving her small pupils a lesson
on birds, and after telling about the
hatching of the eggs, the care of the
mother bird and the first lessons in
flying, she said: “ Now, children, I am
the mother bird and you are the little
birds nestled in your cozy nest.
I
want you all to spread your wings and
fly away.”
Each child, waving arms to the mu­
sic she beat, skipped to the dressing
room, with the exception of one little
fellow, who remained in his seat.
Turning to him she said: “ Donald,
why didn’t you fly away with all the
other little birds?”
“ "Cause,” came the prompt unex­
pected reply, “ I was a bad egg.”
*
*
*
“ He was kicked out of school for
cheating!”
“ How come?”
“ He was caught counting his ribs
in a physiology exam.”
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