Play Meter

--THE LAST WORD Keep an eye out for those novelty games T he relationship was progressing nice- castically. I peered up at the scoreboard. ly. She was becoming more tolerant It flashed '' LIMP WRIST' ' for all to see. of my penchant for reckless driving, foul . Humiliated, I ordered another drink and language, and overall unpredictable contemplated my navel. behavior. As we set out on our fourth date, Seeking to uplift my spirits, she motionI suspected that she might even be ready to ed me over to another novelty piece, one bring me home to meet mama. that measured a couple's compatibility. After dining at a stylish Cajun Being told of impending marital bliss restaurant, we turned our attention to a would certainly put the night back on an watering hole on Tchoupitoulas Street. even keel. ''What'll you have, darling sweetheart of She volunteered to put a quarter in the mine?" I asked. "Nothing at all. Being machine (a surprisingly large expenditure with you is intoxicating enough,'' she for this neo-feminist, who lets me pay for replied in a sultry, Kathleen Turner-like everything) . We clasped hands tightly, voice. eager for the wonderful news. "Be cool, Caire, " I thought to myself. Out came the computer card. It read: "Don't blow it like you always do. " "Don't do it! Your marriage would end up Making our way through the bar, we in a divorce three months after walking came upon some coin-op games in one of down the aisle. Hey buddy, she snores like the comers. She made mention of my a mountain goat. Look out, toots, he writing for this magazine and mistakenly watches midget wrestling on ESPN 'til 3 presumed that I could show her how to a.m. Call it off now, while there's still play one of the videos. "I'd love to, honey, time! '' She looked crushed. ''Now honey, you but this game just came out; I haven't had time to master it yet,'' I said, wiping away know you can't put any stock in these beads of sweat that suddenly appeared on novelty machines," I said. "They're strictly for amusement. Forget it. '' my brow. "Aw, that 's too bad, " she said. Another woman who had apparently been watching us came up to me and whispered " Asteroids looks like a fun game." Next to the wall was a strength-testing something into my ear. ''I bet the machine thinks we'd bepurrrnovelty piece. What a great chance to show offi "Come watch a he-man in ac- f ect together ," said The Other Woman. tion, " I beckoned in a boasting tone. Oh-oh. Think fast. " Baby, you don't mind if I get a comI popped in a quarter and rolled up my right shirt sleeve. Unfortunately , I patibility card with her, do you?'' I asked neglected to remember the cumulative nervously. " It'sjust for kicks to get herout potency of five Ramos Gin Fizzes. Like of my hair. Be right back. " Rigor mortis Samson with his locks shorn, I was sapped had struck her face. She nodded of all my strength. After a few moments of ever-so-slightly. ridiculous grunting and groaning, it was The Other Woman popped in a quarter. The machine spit out the card-and sealover. "How'd you do, bruiser?" she said sar- ed my doom . " Don ' t bother with the 208 PLAY METER/September 1990 ceremony. Elope immediately . Love this true can't wait another moment! '' "When do we leave?" asked The Other Woman, grinning like a Cheshire cat. My date raced over to me and got up in my face. " You snake! I knew you never loved me. Take that tramp home with you ifyou want; I'm calling a cab. Don't phone me ever again!" " Honey, wait!" I yelled, running out of the bar after her. " It's only an amusement machine. Don't believe everything it says! Let's have coffee and talk about it!" Too late. I went back inside, only to find that the mysterious Other Woman had disappeared also. I started to put a quarter into a machine that tests your sobriety, but I was out of change and decided to risk driving home. Sure enough, the police pulled me over on St. Charles Avenue for running a red light. The officer gave me a breath test; I failed it. " Son, I know that bar has a sobrietytesting machine. You shoulda invested a quarter. Now I have to take you to jail. " Two large inmates beat me up so badly that I lay near death. The priest came to the hospital to read me my last rites. Just then ... the telephone rang. "Wake up, Chris! I knew you shouldn't have taken an afternoon nap. You were supposed to have picked me up for our date 30 minutes ago! Hurry up!" Whew , what a nightmare! Novelty games are "for amusement only," eh? I'm not so sure. D (J~Nr~ Christopher Caire News Editor