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JHE LASTWORD I' Dodging those tourist traps II get right to the point, since space is at a premium. Visitors unfamiliar with New Orleans are invariably pointed in the same direction, often relegated to an experience of Mardi Gras T-shirts, watery gumbo, and voodoo trinkets. Luckily, though, you have me to lead you down the proper path . AMOA Expo visitors, consider this page an insider's tip sheet, a valuable mini-guide for eateries , bars, music clubs, and other miscellaneous places that most tourists don't know about. By all means, tear out this page before you come to New Orleans and carry it around at all times! Lose it and you could end up taking a Superdome tour. Food: Unsuspecting tourists have been brainwashed when it comes to Cajun food, i.e., they think they must stand in line at KPaul's to get adefinitiveAcadian meal . It's not that the food is bad, mind you . I recommend staying away because of 1) the aforementioned long line, 2) community seating, which means you must share your table with someone else ifthere are empty chairs, 3) the $25-$30 price tag for blackened (yawn) fish , and 4) paper napkins and formica tables, hardly what one would expect given the prices and hoopla. A better bet is Alex Patout's Louisiana Restaurant on Royal Street. He, too, is a famous chef in these parts. The food is every bit as good-ifnot better-than K-Paul' s, it's cheaper, and the surroundings are infinitely more plush. Chef Frank Brigsten takes Cajun cooking to new heights at the restaurant that bears his name. In fact, calling his place ' ' Cajun' ' ~tretches the term, all the more reason to try to avoid labeling or pigeonholeing. If you want to goto Brigsten's, it's never too soon to call. Getting a table in this converted cottage isn't easy . If you want time-honored Creole cooking, there are the " Big Four" restaurants in the French Quarter: Antoine's, Arnaud's , Galatoire's, and Brennan's. The venerable Tujague' s is pure Creole, but don't go unless you get a kick out of surly old waiters who drop bread on your table like it's a live grenade. For good Creole outside of the French Quarter, I recommend Commander's Palace in the Garden District (the turtle soup and 150 PLAY MET ER/October 1990 chocolate fudge Sheba are to die for) and Delmonico on "The Avenue" (St. Charles A venue, which is worth driving down just for a viewoftheoaktreesand mansions). For imaginative cuisine with Creole roots, try these three restaurants: Emeril's, Bayona, and Constantin's. The chefs at the first two-Emeril Lagasse and Susan Spicer-are being hailed nationally for their wizardry in the kitchen. Patti Constantin may not get their press, but she is no less skilled or daring . Eating well in New Orleans doesn't mean you have to spend a lot of money. There are countless restaurants that, to borrow a line from Times-Picayune food writer Gene Bourg, "would send the editors of Architectural Digest into apoplexy.'' Their redeeming grace is, of course, the food on the plate. Po-boy emporiums are all over the place. For the unfamiliar, a po-boy is made by taking a section of (hopefully) crisp French bread, slicing it open, and filling it with roast beef, ham, meatballs, oysters, soft-shell crab, or just about anything else that's edible. (You'd be surprised how good french fries, gravy , and a heaping glob of "my-nez" tastes on French bread.) If you see a line of people on Decatur Street, waiting to get in a place called Maspero's, don' t join them. I'm forever baffled by the allure of this place; they don't even serve their sandwiches on French bread, the heathens! Better by far, and closer to the AMOA Expo site, is Mother's on Poydras Street. This line is worth it. Ifyou can resist their red beans and rice or seafood gumbo, get the Ferdi sandwich, which becomes a Ralph when you add Swiss cheese. One of these sandwiches, along with some potato salad and a Barq' s root beer in the longneck bottle, is quintessential New Orleans dining . (Ad man Ron Kogos likes an extra dollop of mynez on his potato salad; I find it caloric overkill.) For the truly adventurous, there's Parasol 's in the Irish Channel. One entrance puts you in the bar, which is usually filled with crusty souls engaging in heated arguments about Louisiana politics. You can eat there or go up a few stairs to the dining area. Order one thing only : the roast beef po-boy . When the two ladies behind the counter are having a good day, you 'II get the best sandwich in the city, bar none. Alas, you don't always get their most inspired effort, a fact that makes Parasol's only for the gambling type. One other thing about sandwiches. New Orleans is the home of the muffaletta, an Italian sandwich created years ago at the Central Grocery on Decatur Street. A muffaletta consists of round Italian loaf bread with sesame seeds, ham, salami, provolone cheese, and-the key ingredient- marinated olive salad. The muffalettas at Progress Grocery , located a few doors down from Central , are also first-rate. A word of caution, however: do not eat one of these if you plan to meet afterward with another member of the human race. I sometimes get Progress to put extra olive oil juice on mine, but only because I intend to stay away from society for two days. My racquetball partner once thought the court had been transformed into Central, thanks to the muffalettajuice fumes that were seeping through my pores. Tricky, albeit delicious, food. Another spot worth seeking is Camellia Grill, a ' 50s-style diner located Uptown on Carrollton A venue. If you' re lucky enough to grab one of the 29 swivel stools at the counter, order the following: a two-egg omelette that looks like four, a chocolate freeze, coffee, and a slice of the best pecan pie south of the Mason-Dixon Line. If you 're lucky you ' II get Harry as your waiter. He's been there for over 40 years and has countless jokes to tell . If you follow baseball, engage in New York Yankees banter. He loves 'em; play the roleofYankeehater and you ' II be rivaling a Nixon-Kennedy debate. (Note: Don't get too rowdy . Wanda, the cashier, will quickly quiet you by asking where you were raised.) Moving on to bars and nightclubs . .. woops, looks like I'm almost out of space. I'll be back next month to finish enlightening you. D ~~ Christopher Caire News Editor