- THE
LAST WORD
Getting rich in
the casinos my way
L
caving Las Vegas casinos with any money
is no easy proposition. Strategic tips-like
the ones imparted by Bob Snyder in his fine
Play Meter article- g ive the gambler a fighting
chance, but in the end it 's usually the house
racking up the chips, not v ice versa.
Well.! feel it is my duty to reveal someofthe
wisdom that I've stockpiled fro m past gambl-
ing experiences (disasters) in Nevada. This in-
formation is be ing readied for release o n
videocassette ("Caire's 19 Ways to Bring
Vegas to Its Knees"), but I' ll g ive you a con-
densed version now because I' m such a nice
guy.
BlackJack and Female Dealers:
I'm not normally a superstitious person. Oh
su re, I've got my own little qui rks and idiosyn-
crasies; I'm talking about the walking unde r a
ladder and black cat variety. But when I'm play-
ing BlackJack(' '2 1 ''), I go to great lengths to
avoid sitting at a table with a fema le deale r.
It 's not that I'm a chauvinist. I love women
as much as the next g uy. But when it comes to
deal ing BlackJack, they ' re about as welcome
as liver spots. This policy of mine is not based
on one isolated bad experience. No sir. This
theory is drawn from countless repl ies of
"Sorry s ir. you busted ."
I've been at tables with male dealers where
good luck is perched on my right shoulder. The
dealer has 20, I have 2 1. Ifl need an 8, one sud-
denly materializes. Life is s weet. Chips for
everybody. What's that? You're going on
break? Oh no, a woman is taking your place!
Life is hell. Give me that chip back, waitress.
No tip for you.
The worst thing. though . is that barely-
detectable smirk that appears as they reel my
chips in . (Maybe the male dealers smirk too,
but I' ve never noticed.) And don't say anything
trying to elic it sympathy. If you remark ,
"You' re killing me; how about giving me a
break? '' the smirk just widens.
206 PLAY M ETER/Scptcmber 1989
I have a budding s ub-category to the female
dealer, and that 's the Oriental female dealer. I
haven't had enoug h experiences with them yet
to make it gospel, but be alert. I recall three of
them, and I don't re member winning a hand ,
so ....
(Note: l 'mjust g iving the male perspective.
For alii know, female gamblers have great suc-
cess with dealers of their own gender. Guys,
though , beware.)
Old people and slot machines:
The rule is simple: never play a slot machine
that an old person has just walked away from.
Granted , it 's hard to walk up to a vacant slot
machine and know the age of the person on it
last. Be safe. Ifthere's a rowortwo o fmachines
with old people milling about, go somewhere
else.
Do I say this with malice? No. Do I secretly
despise the AARP? No. Rather, I say these
things out o f deep respect for their abilities to
suck a slot machine dry of its last coin . I' m
serious; when I hear that bell going off, signi-
fy ing a winner , it 's invariably an e lder
statesman .
So, then , I recommend that no one pump
money into a machine used by an old person in
the previous couple of hours. It 'II be bone dry,
and besides that , the rest o f us don't know their
secrets for success. All that'll come up will be
lemons (but not on the same row) .
Don't bet on my teams:
When I go to a casino , my favorite place to
go is the sports book. I'm like a kid in a candy
sto re, trying to decide which game to bet on and
which one(s) to watch on the TV s. Invariably.
I pick the wrong teams. it's frustrat ing, because
I follow sports religiously .
In Reno, I bet six basketball teams; five lost.
T wo were by half-a -point, o ne was by two
points, and the o ther was a blowout. Unfor-
tunately fo r Star Tech Journal's Jim Cal ore, he
bet on some of the same teams as I did . What a
no-no . He was jinxed before the open ing
tip-off.
So, if you run into meat the sports book, ask
me who I'm betting and pick the o ther team .
You're surc to leave with a b ulging wallet. (My
dad says I can't even pick my nose, but he's
wrong. I can.)
Look for good-looking women:
Th is might sound like a contradiction to my
female dealer credo, but it is n' t. What I mean
is this: sit at a table where attractive female
gamblers are playing, even if it means being
wedged in the middle.
Besides the aesthetic attributes, it seems to
help . I don't know why, but my luck ex-
periences an upswing when they' rc ncar. They
can't be ug ly, or the theory goes out the win-
dow . If, for example, you see Grayhound 's
Beth Smith walking thro ugh the casino , grab
her (not necessarily I iterally). She doesn't have
to play; just have her stand next to you for a few
hands. But be courteous e nough to spl it the
profits.
My commission:
I don't expect much for this vital information.
One-third of your winn ings will suffice (hey,
that's what lawyers get!). And if you sec me be-
ing beaten about the head by an angry mob of
female dealers and old people, please lend some
assistance. 0
Christopher Caire
News Editor