Play Meter

- THE
LAST WORD
Violent games you
didn't see at AMOA '89
T
he re 's been muc h talk of late con-
cerning the viole nt nature of video
game themes. I can sec the argument
from both sides. The manufacturers are
pretty much obliged to ' 'give the people
what they want," and what they seem to
wa nt is a steady s tream of ac-
ti on/ fighting/adventure games. Even if
a manufacture r had an ingenious idea for
a game that appealed to the more cerebral
side of the player, could one really find
fault w ith a decisio n to scrap it if the test
reports spelled DOG? I mean , ideals are
admirable, but profitability is the bottom
line.
On the other hand , just because hordes
of teenage males thirst for more ways to
dismember a human, must we give it to
the m? Many of these sa me peopl e con-
sidet Do ritos and Coke a balanced meal,
or Motley C rue on par with Mozart . One
could argue th at they need to be expos-
ed to more of what's good in this world,
and v iolence is n 't good.
Now that I' ve played devil 's advocate
for both schools o f thoug ht with insight
and painstaking fairness, let me suggest
a few violent alte rnati ves to the video
mayhemondisplayatAMOA '89. Look
for these non -N injas at ACME or
AMOA '90.
Granny Smash : The objective in
this game is to re move granny and he r
1963 c lunke r from the le ft lane o f in-
ters tate hi g hway, whe re she's been
camped for the last three miles at speeds
hove ring around 32 mph . The player can
choose from an assortment o f weapons
to do granny in: fl a m e thr owers,
g re nades, bazookas, or even the simple
126
P~AY METER/ October 1989
smashi ng of your ca r into hers. Bonus
points are awarded if I) the car nips over
more than four times, 2) g ranny is
thrown from the car , or 3) you skip the
scene o f the crime before any w itnesses
spot your dastardl y deed.
Politician Smack : This versatile
game fo llows the career o f a budding
politican; each level o f Politician Smack
represents another stage in his climb to
the presidency. The object is to see how
many head punches you ca n land within
15 seconds of our politican saying I)
some thing false, 2) something stupid, or
3) something false and stupid. As o ne
would imagine, the action never slows.
Play begins with the politic ian at a town
cou ncil meeting and c ulminates at a
preside ntial press confe re nce, with the
ne rvous commander-in-chi ef dodging
Sam Donaldson 's pointed questions .
Blueblood Bloodletting: The
world of high socie ty a nd debutantes
comes to the video sc reen . The scene is
a ho ity-toity party tak ing place within a
vast ma ns ion , repl ete with Bollinger
champagne a nd crystal chandeliers. The
player assumes the role of the downtrod-
de n waiter, who must cater to the whims
of every guest. The taped voices taunt the
waiter w ith " Hurry up , boy, get me
another Perrie r with lime" and " The
vegetable tray is out of ca uliflowe r
again, you foolish hired h e lp~ " The
wa ite r (player) sudde nly springs into ac-
tio n, fuming from a night o f groveli ng .
Weapons include carving kni ves, rolling
p ins, cast-iron skill ets, and a n ice pick
for those who put up a to ug h fi gh t.
There's a bonus of o ne million points if
the player can root out and bash the guest
whose nose juts skyward the most.
Inheritance Squabble: What hap-
pens when eccentric millionaire dad
kicks the bucket a nd leaves everything
to his pet cat? You've got a rip-roa ring
battle over b ig bucks, where mom and
the cutthroat children scratch and claw
for every red cent. In Inheritance Squab-
ble, the wizened fam ily lawyer of 40
years dev ises a un ique solution that
wou ld make Solomon envious: he li-
quidates all of the assets into $ 1,000 bills
and places the huge pile o f money in the
center of the li ving room. Each family
member can choose one weapon to ward
off the others, then BOOM, we're off
and runnin g! Whoever hoards up the
most cash in two minutes, using the most
ruthl ess means necessary, is entitled to
the entire estate. This thrilling four-
player game lets the whole family prac-
tice up fo r t he real thing.
There you have it, four games that
wou ld make any manufacturer the talk of
the indu stry. Those in terested in
developing these themes further can call
me. I ' ll be in my rubber room . U
Christopher Caire
News Editor