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THE
MUSIC TRADE
REVIEW
IN LIGHTER VEIN
FELLOW FEELING.—Wife—And will you promise to water the
flowers regularly while I am away?
Husband'—Don't you worry about that; I know what thirst is.
A KING'S OPPORTUNITY.—If George V. wishes to follow up his
revision of the coronation oath with another good hit he will fire the poet
laureate.
NEGLECTED.—A rural observer asserts that some of the mother birds
are getting to be such gadabouts that the little birds have to learn to fly by
watching the aeroplanes.
THE SUFFRAGETTE IDEA.—Mother—Oh, my child! Is he alive?
Rescuer—Yis, mum. An' if it 'd not been f'r God an' another woman,
he'd a' been run over by a sthreet car!—Toledo Blade.
NOT FAR WRONG.—"Say, paw," queried little Sylvester Snodgrass,
"what's a test case?"
"A test case, my son," replied Snodgrass, Sr., "is a case brought in court
to decide whether there's enough in it to justify the lawyers in working up
similar cases."—Lippincott's.
NOT EXCHANGEABLE.—Nurse—Well, Bobby, if you don't want your
new sister, maybe we can get the doctor to exchange her for a little brother.
Bobby—No, I don't believe he would do it now. You see, we've used
her for four days.
A GROWING DOLLY.—"Mamma," said little Dorothy, "I want some
water to christen my doll."
"No, dear," replied the mother, "it's wrong to make sport of such things."
"Then I want some wax to waxinate her. She's old enough to have
something done."—Housekeeper.
THE SLY PROFESSOR.—A certain professor told a story of an old
woman he once had as housekeeper, to whom he made a sporting offer.
"Janet," he said to her one day, "the very next planet I discover I will
make you a present of a sovereign."
"You are very kind, sir," she replied, "and I am sure I hope you will
soon discover one.
Several months went by and no planets were discovered.
"The fact of the matter is, ma'am," confided the old woman to the pro-
fessor's wife, "I do think the professor goes out at night and discovers planets
on the sly."
THE SONG THAT TOUCHED HIS HEART.—A couple of sailors
just returned from a long voyage strolled into the parlor of a public-house.
Above the rumble of the traffic in the street could be heard a very harsh
and unmusical voice. After listening for a moment, one of the sailors turned
to his companion and said:
*
"Eh, Jack, lad, it's a long time since we heard that song."
"What song?"
"That one that fellow's singing in the street—'The Light of Other
Days.'"
"Stow it!" ejaculated the other, gruffly. "That fellow ain't singing 'The
Light of Other Days' at all. I've been listening to him; he's piping 'The
Banks of Allan Water.' "
Each sailor was certain that he was right, and, with characteristic con-
tempt for money, a wager was made—a month's pay depended upon the
result.
"Here, Tommy," called out one of the men to the little son of the land-
lord, "run out and get to know what that fellow is singing."
Tommy departed on his errand, which did not take many minutes.
'"Well," demanded Jack, "which of us is right?"
"Nathur," replied Tommy, grinning. "The fellow is not singing at all;
he's hawking herrings !"—Cork Eagle.
A BIT AMBIGUOUS.—Mrs. Jones—What did the parson say when you
sent him the brandied peaches?
Mrs. Giles—He said he didn't care so much for the peaches as he did
for the spirit in which they were sent.
CONVINCING.—"This palpitating age calls for men who have convic-
tions," declared the orator in the park. "Where, I ask, shall we find them?"
"In prisons," called out a man in the crowd.—Scraps.
The manager of a suburban music hall was testing the abilities of a
few candidates for stage honors one day last week, and this is how he let
down one of the would-be funny men.
"Your songs won't do for me. I can't allow any profanity in my theater,"
said he.
"But I don't use profanity," was the reply.
"No," said the manager, "but the audience would."
AND THEN.—"Willie," said that infant's mother, agitated by the sud-
den appearance of a rich relative, "Willie, dear, kiss your Uncle John and
then go and wash your face at once."
An Aid to Every
Dealer Selling
Player Pianos
T
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Dealers are finding it the most helpful litera-
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To those who have received three copies no
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To all readers of The Music Trade Review
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