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THE
MUSIC TRADE
REVIEW
IN LIGHTER VEIN
IN SOUTH AMERICA.—General—Where is the left wing?
Aide—Around the corner. He's waiting for the vanguard to get his
horse shod.
A GOAT'S ANSWER.—"Why do you wag your heard so?" asked the
rude dog of the billy goat.
"Because I chews," bleated the goat.
WHAT YOU CALL IT.—The Irate Frenchman (to the dealer who
has sold him a brokenwinded horse)—But, ze mare! She ees not worth
von cent; she is vot you call short of air—has smashed her breathe!—Sketch.
A CONFIRMED PESSIMIST.—"How is your wife, John?"
John (the waiter).—Well, I don't know, miss. When the sun don't
shine she's miserable, and if it does shine she says it fades the carpet.—
Catholic News.
HEXEHT OF BEING POOR.—Wife—The doctor writes that in view
of our poor circumstances he will not present his b : ll immediately.
Artist—We are lucky that our circumstances are no better; if they
were, we might have to pay at once!
WINE AND WATER.—Fervid Teetotaller—I object to the custom of
christening ships with champagne on principle.
Facetious Friend—I don't see why you should; why, there's a temper-
?nce lesson in it. Immediately following her first taste of wine the vessel
takes to water, and, what's more, she sticks to it ever after.
A MATHEMATICAL REQUEST—Little Mary, seven years old, was
suing her prayers. "And, God," she petitioned at the close, "make seven
times six forty-eight."
"Why, Mary, why did you say that ?" asked her mother.
" 'Cause that's the way I wrote it in '/.animation in school to-day, and
1 want it to be right."
ELOQUENT PASSAGE.—The light of the lamp was dying away in
the socket, the midnight clock swung heavily aloft, and : ts brazen tones
sounded loudly on the frozen air. It was the hour when disembodied spirits
walk, and when murderers, like the stealthy wolf, prowl for their prey.
The lonely watcher shuddered as he heard a slight noise at the door. Big
drops of sweat stood on his pale brow, the door opened, and—in came a
strange cat!—Judge.
BOILED WATERMELON.—Being from the South, Doug'as Manner
had a born fondness for watermelon, and so when he read in his morning
newspaper that a cargo had just been brought up from Georg'a he drove
his runabout down to the market, where he annexed the biggest mc'on he
could find.
Mr. Manner sent the melon into the kitchen when he got out to his
Long Island home. Bridget, the new cook, had only been passed through
the gates at Ellis Island a few weeks before, and a watermelon was Greek
to her. She examined the prize carefully, inspected all of the Manner pots
and pans, and then, arms akimbo, reported thus to the mistress of the house :
"Ma'am, there ain't a pot in the house b g enough to hold that thing
Mist her Manner do be bring : n' home."
HOW IT WAS.—A passenger on a transatlantic liner had an experience
recently which was calculated to make her believe that a seaman is not apt
to wrste many thoughts on his personal troubles. The seaman who brought
the traveler to this opinion h"d, the second clay out, a fall which remlted
in a bad cut on the head. She was most solicitous in her inqu'ries as to his
welfare when she saw the captain that night, and would undoubtedly have
continued her sympathy had not a rough sea called to mind her own
sufferings. Four days later, however, when she emerged, white and weak,
from her stateroom, she suddenly remembered the poor siilor. In the
course of the day she encountered him with a strip of plaster on his
forehead.
"How is your head?" she asked kindly as he passed by her bent on
some duty.
"West by south, ma'am," was the reply.
PERFECTLY WELCOME.—Night was approaching, and the rain was
coning down faster and faster. The traveler dismounted from his horse
and rapped at the door of the one farmhouse he had struck in a live-m'V
stre'eh of traveling. No one came to the door. As he stood on the door-
step the w Uer from the eaves trickled down his collar. He rapped again.
Sti'l no answer, lie could feel the stream of water coursing down his back!
Another spell of pounding, and finally the red head of a lad of twelve was
stuck out of the second-story.
"Watcher want?" it asked.
"I want to know if 1 can stay here over night," the traveler answered
testily.
The red-headed lad watched the man for a minute or two before
answering.
"Ye kin fer all of me," he fina 1 ly answered, ;md then closed the window.
—Lippincott's.
An Aid to Every
Dealer Selling
Player Pianos
T
H E new tabloid magazine, designated
The Player Monthly, is growing stead-
ily in favor.
Dealers are finding it the most helpful litera-
ture ever put forth, for there is no other sourec
from which specific information may be gained
for the general instruction and education of
player pianists. ;
If the interest in the player piano is to be
upheld, then the dealers and manufacturers
must see to it that the affection of the owners
of player pianos does not languish.
Every player piano should be a live piano—
and it can be so maintained by keeping the
attention of the owner focalized upon the mar-
velous possibilities of the instrument. The
Player Monthly will do intelligent, helpful
work. Some dealers have purchased copies by
the hundred for distribution among their
clients.
It appeals directly to the owners and users
of player pianos.
Constant educational work must be carried
on, and there is no other magazine in the world
devoted exclusively to player work.
Every issue of The Player Monthly contains
information worth ten times its annual cost.
To those who have received three copies no
further numbers will be mailed unless orders
are sent in to the publisher.
To all readers of The Music Trade Review
who have not had the opportunity of becoming
acquainted with this helpful literature we shall
be pleased to send a copy upon application.
This newspaper institution is conceded to be
the technical authority upon the player piano.
SINGLE COPIES FIVE CENTS
BY THE YEAR FIFTY CENTS
EDWARD LYMAN BILL
PUBLISHER
1 MADISON AVE., NEW YORK