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THE
TIRADE
VOL. X L V . No. 2 .
Published Every Saturday by Edward Lyman Bill at 1 Madison Avc, New York, July 13, 1907
THE FABLE OF THE ANTIQUE
Who Switched Too Late Is Interestingly Told
in the Following Clever Story and the Moral
Is One Which Piano Men Should Take to
Heart.
The following clever story is from a little
volume issued by Calkins & Holden, advertising
specialists, New York, and makes mighty good
reading:
Once upon a time the Father Superior of an
old, respectable House was approached by a
Shameless Vender of publicity. The approach
was uneventful, for the Shameless one had been
bidden, actually bidden, after fifty-seven vain at-
tempts to break in.
When the man of ideas had gained the Carpet,
the Great Presence swung round and handed
him these words:
"This Business has been in existence for One
Hundred and Fourteen years. It has been passed
along from Father to Son without rubbing off
any of its Traditions, Prestige or Respectability.
"Never in all these years has it seen fit to seek
the recognition of the Riffraff and Bobtail of hu-
manity by means of Vulgar Advertising. The
Merits of its products and the Reputation of
those who have outlined its policies have served
to keep it in the Limelight, as the slangy Public
Prints are wont to put it and hold the trade of
the class of people to which it has always Ca-
tered.
"But conditions have changed. Our kind of
people are deserting us for these latter-day Up-
starts, who sneer at Prestige, trample on Tradi-
tions, cut prices and Flaunt their wares in the
magazines, in the newspapers and on the bill-
boards. We are losing Money, and have been
losing it for ten years. There is but one thing
to do, and that is pocket our Pride and advertise.
The thought grieves me, but the Business must
be saved."
The Shameless One, who had been calling him-
self the Goods and thinking up in the hundreds
of thousands, came down to earth like a spent
Balloon.
"My dear, but venerable Vegetable," he said, "I
have been trying for five years to butt in here
and outline the Awful Jolt that was waiting for
you, even as you have described it, but you had
me down as a Lemon distributer and I never got
by the boy who licks stamps.
"Prestige and Traditions are life-savers for re-
tired Steel Magnates who have Frisked the pub-
lic for all it will stand, but in business they're a
Pipe. It's nice to have people step softly and
Salute whenever your name is mentioned, but
such Pink Tea stunts never yet coaxed any Divi-
dends to the surface.
"Your trouble is that you have been living in
the Past. Your kind of people have been out of
Print so long that there ought to be a Premium
on you. You try to do business in the Nebulas
and you land in the Mulligatawney."
"I see our mistake," said the Main One, "and
are resigned to the Inevitable. We must reach
the people with announcements—something neat
and refined and in harmony with our Dignified
and Conservative Methods."
"The pardon comes too late. I'm glad your
Jong nap hag refreshed you, but you've overslept,
In other words, you're on the Toboggan, and it's
just one-half of Forty-six for yours."
"Meaning
?"
"Just this, that your wires are crossed; that
you've called a Doctor when you need an Under-
taker. There was a time when advertising would
have Swung you clear, but now you've passed
the Switch.
"If you flirt with Publicity at this late day, you
simply make it necessary for a few more Credit-
ors to attend the Obsequies. You don't need to
order the Crepe yet; the end won't be sudden.
Businesses like yours Wobble along several
months after Life is Extinct.
"But after the Light finally Blinks, here's a
neat, dignified and conservative Inscription for
the Tombstone:
MORAL
ADVERTISING WILL KEEP YOU
OUT OF THE HOLE, BUT IT
WON'T PULL YOU OUT
THE GILDEMEESTER RELIEF FUND.
Generous Action of the Personal Friends of the
Late P. J. Gildemeester.
Some of the personal friends of the late P. J.
Gildemeester are raising a fund for his widow
and children. Mr. Gildemeester held prominent
positions in the music trade for many years, and
was also engaged in piano manufacturing on his
own ficcormt. He was widely known and highly
esteemed, and when the facts became known that
he left practically no estate surprise was mani-
fested among his friends, for the deceased had
always commanded a good salary, although he
was not successful in manufacturing on his own
account. However, there were many demands
made upon him for money which were not known
to those outside., and certainly the fund which is
being raised for the members of his family
shows a most commendable spirit on the part of
the members of the trade who are engaged in
this worthy enterprise.
The attitude of the music trade men shows the
value of friends, and what true loyalty means in
the music trade. Among the firms who have
given $100 or more are the following: O. A.
Field, St. Louis, $500; Lyon & Healy, $200; J. V.
Steger, Chicago, $100; J. A. Norris, New York,
$100; Ernest Urchs, New York, $100; W. H.
Daniels, Buffalo, N. Y., $100; George Clay Cox,
Rochester, N. Y., $100; F. B. Burns, Newark,
N. J., $100; Roth & Engelhardt, New York, $100;
Jas. R. Mason, Derby, Conn., $100; R. W. Cross,
Chicago, $100; W. L. Bush, Chicago, $100.
The amount will be placed in the hands of
trustees who will deposit it with a New York
bank and pay out $100 a month to Mrs. Gilde-
meester until the principal and interest are ex-
hausted. In case of her death before the fund
is us-.ed up the balance will go to the female
members of Mrs. Gildemeester's family.
W. E. Baum has purchased the interest of
Ross P. Curtice in the Curtice-!Bauin Co,, piano
dealers, of Omaha, Neb.
SINGLE COPIES, 10 CENTS.
$2.00 PER YEAR.
ADVERTISING IN MISSOURI.
A
Reformatory Measure Introduced in the
Legislature Which Compels an Advertiser to
be Modest and Accurate in His Statements.
A bill for the reformation of advertising has
been introduced in the Missouri Legislature.
What its fate there was or will be we do not
know, but if that bill ever does get passed—and
enforced—it will be convincing evidence that any-
body looking for the virtue and wisdom neces-
sarily characteristic of the millennium can find
them both in Missouri.
Think of telling an advertiser that he mustn't
call his goods "the best in the world" unless he
also says, and clearly, that the statement is one
of opinion, not of fact! And it is more than a
little hard to fine a man heavily because he prints
or causes to be printed a confident promise that
the stock he is offering will increase in value or
that the mine he is exploiting will pay dividends.
But the Missouri bill also deals with many ad-
vertising evils that are not the less real because
they now for the most part pass unnoticed as
mere customs of trade. For instance, it prohibits
the advertising of goods as reduced from a price
at which they were never sold, to a sum which is
their full value instead of a bargain value, and it
is especially severe on the man who "pads" a
fire or bankrupt sale with wares that have been
through no such experience. The regulations sug-
gested as to patent nostrums and quacks are open
to criticism only as counsels of perfection and
as not admitting a border line region where dif-
ference of opinion is still permissible.
CONGRATULATIONS.
William Knabe, of William Knabe & Co., the
eminent piano manufacturers, of Baltimore, Md.,
has surprised his many friends who had supposed
he was a confirmed bachelor, by assuming the
Benedictian role on July 6, when he was married
by the Rev. H. M. Warren, of this city, to Miss
Margaret A. Mason, of New Jersey. The bride's
brother gave her away, and the bridegroom's
cousin, Mr. Charles Keidel, Jr., acted as best man.
After a short wedding trip the happy couple will
reside in New York City. The Review joins with
a host of friends in extending sincerest con-
gratulations.
TO LICENSE PIANO TUNERS.
Nearly five thousand signatures have been
attached to the petition being circulated by A. A.
Clinkscales for the licensing of piano tuners in
Missouri. He is strongly supported by piano
dealers, musicians and music teachers, and it is
hoped to get the bill through the next State
Legislature.
MASON & HAMLIN RENOVATIONS.
During the summer quietude the Mason &
Hamlin Co., of 139 Fifth avenue, have placed a
contract for the renovation and decoration of
their warerooms. The specifications also call for
a new flooring, and when the work is completed
the firm will have one of tlie flnest salesrooms
on the avenue,