Automatic Age

94
March, 1941
AUTOMATIC AGE
jg| FUNNY BONE TICKLERS
ANY
s im il a r it y
to
persons
l iv in g
or
dead
is
P U R E L Y IN T E N T IO N A L
H
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A small coupe skittered over a
curbstone and rammed into the front
of a building. Disentangling herself
from the wreckage, an excited woman
stepped from the car. “I was in a
hurry to get to the department store,”
she explained.
“Lady,” said the store manager,
“you’re in it. What can we do for
you?”
* * *
“Our radio script writer has an­
other mouth to feed”
"A baby?”
“No, he signed up another com­
edian.”
* * *
TW O W A Y
“Mother, my new swim-suit is a
two-way stretch.”
“I ’ll say it is. It stretches the
bounds of decency and the limits of
your allowance.”
*
*
*
A Scot lover, wishing to know his
fate at once, telegraphed a proposal
of marriage to the girl of his choice.
After spending the day hanging
about the telegraph office, he was
finally rewarded, late in the evening,
by receiving an answer in the affirm­
ative.
“I f I were you, I ’d think twice be­
fore marrying a crirl that kept me
waiting all day for an answer/' said
the telegraph man,
nNa, na,” retorted the Scot, ‘‘the
lass who waits for the cheap night
rates is the lass for me.”
* * *
“Why, toots, I have to be a cut-up
in my business.”
“So you’re a comedian?”
“Naw, I ’m a film censor.”
* * *
One guy who always hands out an
awful lot of back talk is the intall-
ment collector.
*
*
*
FU L L SPEED A H E A D !
“Do you always show up when
you come to crossings?”
“Naw, of course not.”
“Goodness, what kind of a car do
you drive?”
“I don’t drive a car. I drive a lo­
comotive!”
The men were arguing as to who
was the greatest inventor. One said
Stephenson, who invented the locomo­
tive. Another declared it was the man
who invented the compass. Another
contended for Edison— Marconi— the
Wrights.
/
Finally one of them turned to a
little man who had remained silent.
“What do you think?”
“The man who invented interest
was no slouch,” was the reply.
*
*
*
Abbie: “I don’t understand base­
ball at all, do you?”
Joie Lou: “You don’t have to un­
derstand it. Everything is decided by
a man they call the vampire.”
A man was charged with shooting
a number of pigeons, the property of
a farmer. Counsel for the defense
tried to frighten the farmer.
“Now,” he remarked, “are you pre­
pared to swear that this man shot
your pigeons?”
“I didn’t say he did shoot ’em,” was
the reply. “I said I suspected him of
doing it.” •
“Ah! Now we’re coming to it.
What made you suspect this man?”
“Well, firstly I caught him on my
land wi’ a gun. Secondly, I heard a
gun go off and saw some pigeons fall.
Thirdly, I found four o’ my pigeons
in his pocket— and I don’t ttilnh them
blrda flew there and committed
suicide.”
An Englishman heard an owl for
the first time.
“What was that?” he asked
“An owl,” was the reply.
“My deah fellah, I know that, but
what was ’owling?”
At the last home talent golf tour­
nament the club secretary caught one
of the entrants driving off about a
foot in front of the teeing mark.
“Here!” he cried indignantly, “you
can’t do that. You’re disqualified!”
“What for?” demanded the golfer.
“Why, you’re driving off in front
of the mark.”
The player looked at the secretary
with pity.
“G’wan back to the clubhouse,” he
said tersely. “I ’m playin’ my third
stroke!”
© International Arcade Museum
Old Uncle Ezry had been very
much occupied all by himself over in
a corner near the fireplace. He was
working industriously with a stub of
a pencil and a piece of paper. Sud­
denly he looked up happily.
“Doggone!” he exclaimed, “if I
ain’t learned to write.”
Maw got up and looked at the
scrawled lines across the paper.
“What do it say?” she asked.
“I don’t know,” replied Uncle Ezry,
puzzled. “I ain’t learned to read yit.”
t
Breathless from running, a native
of Salisbury, South Rhodesia, ap­
proached a farmer and babbled words
picturing a strange animal seen on
the veldt “with skin smooth as glass.”
With rifle in hand, the boss followed
the visitor to the creature. Arriving
on the scene, he found four jittery
“blacks” holding spears over their
captive which had fallen from the
sky. It was a Mickey Mouse balloon,
deflating.
She: “Would you leave your home
for me?”
He: “For you I ’d leave a b aseball
game in the ninth inning with the
score a tie.”
PntKor*
“Tt'a dimply
gIobs thoflo ynnnir
rumble seat.”
awful
people
Wife (sm iling): Yes, I
how you used to hate the
mock because it had such
way of pushing us so close
ait
how
*n
a
remember
old ham­
a wicked
together.
A lively young debutante was in­
vited to spend a fortnight at a cer­
tain country house run on s om ew hat
Victorian lines. Fearing that her pa­
jamas might shock the elderly ser­
vants, she took the precaution of put­
ting them away each morning before
going to breakfast.
One morning, however, she suddenly
remembered after breakfast that she
had omitted to do this. She rushe d
up to her bedroom, but, to her dismay,
the pajamas had disappeared.
“I f you’re looking for the pajamas,
Miss,” said the maid, “I ’ve put them
back in the young gentleman’s room.
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