FUNNY
A NY
BONE
SIMI LARI TY
IS
“ Sweetheart, does my love-making
intoxicate you ?”
“No— half -pint .”
“ The girls at school are like cigar
ettes: They come in a pack, get lit,
hang on your lips, make you puff, go
out unexpectedly, and still they sat
is fy .”
“ Carmen won the dress ball prize
with her below-the-border costume.”
Convict: “ Please, warden, I ’ve been
here fo r six years and— ”
W a rd en : “ Be patient, m y boy, your
pardon will come through any day
now.”
Con.: “ Say, don’t interrupt me in
the middle o f a sentence.”
TO
TICKLERS
PERSONS
PDRELY
LI VI NG
Judge: “ The officer states that he
found you two fighting in the street.”
D efen dant: “ T h a t’s not true, your
Some cuties are dainty little dishes,
until you get ’em stirred up.
honor. W h en he arrived, we were t r y
When a sailor gets a hold of a new
chicken he right off starts talking
turkey to her.
ing to separate each other.”
Dick: “See that boy over there an
noying Gertie?”
D o tty : “ W hy he isn’t even looking
at her.”
D ick: “ That’s what’s annoying
her.”
B o : “ I f you had $1 in one pocket
and $2 in the other pocket, w hat have
you ?”
Jaybo: “ I ’d have some other guy ’s
pants on.”
H u bby: “ It says here that the tusks
of 4,868 elephants were needed last
year to make billiard balls.”
W if e y : “ Isn ’t it wonderful that
such big beasts can be taught to do
such delicate w ork?”
Captain D em on: “ H a, ha, h a !”
Lt. D em on: “ W h y the la u gh ?”
Capt. D em on: “ W h y I ju st put a
woman in a room with a thousand
beautiful hats and no m irr o r !”
“ I ’m going to see a numerologist.”
“ W hat’s up?”
“He may have a few hot numbers.”
A restaurant in Cleveland, Ohio,
advertised a “ H angover B reak fast”
consisting o f “ one jumbo orange juice,
coffee, toast, two aspirins, and our
sym pathy— fifty cents.”
“ Cutie, do you observe the conven
tions?”
“Not me, but all the conventions
observe me. I ’m a strip tease dancer."
Sw im m er: “ Do you know the jack-
knife dive?”
N ovice: “ Do I? W h y I was there
when it was raid e d !”
DE A D
I NTENTI ONAL
“B east! What’s the idea of using
spy-glasses near the nudist camp?”
“Honey lamb, I was just Eves-drop-
ping.”
To greet the visiting team, the O t
tawa, 111., High School band, it is said,
marched out on the gridiron to form
the word “ hello.” Somehow, the boys
who were to make up the letter “ O ”
went astray and found themselves on
the wrong end o f the word.
DR
Custom er: “ I want to buy a plow.”
C lerk: “ I ’m sorry, sir, but we don’t
carry plow s.”
Custom er: “ W h a t sort o f a drug
store do you call this a ny w a y?”
M a : “ Junior, go wash your hands
and fa ce.”
J r .: “ A w , I ju st took a bath this
m orning.”
M a : “ Then go wash the b a th tu b !”
Law yer
(cross-exam ining
police
witness) : “ But i f a man is on his
hands and knees in the middle o f the
road, that doesn’t prove he is ‘crazy’.”
W itn e ss: “ N o, sir, it does not. But
this one was tryin g to roll up the
white line.”
“I t’s okay for a girl to pick her
friends, but she usually picks ’em to
pieces.”
74
© International Arcade Museum
AU TO M ATIC AGE
(Overheard in m arital relations
c o u r t ): “ Do you want me to really
tell you how to get rid of an unsatis
factory husband?”
“ Y es, shoot.”
“A girl’s favorite flame often turns
out to be an alcohol burner.”
Doctor to maid of uncertain y ears:
“ N ow don’t w orry, you shouldn’t com
plain about being hot and bothered
at night—the warm weather always
brings m osquitoes.”
Fido to new neighbor: “And this is
the finest lamp-post in the block.”
Bell C aptain : “ W h a t did the house
dick say when he caught you peeping
in the blonde’s keyhole?”
Bell B o y : “ N othing. He sees ’em
things the same w ay I do.”
“ See here, soldier, I ’ve been told
you’ll drop me like a hot potato, some
day.”
“ T h at’s a lie. I don’t drop hot pota
toes, I pick ’em up.”
“I
hear
you’re
quitting
playing
straight parts to M arlene.”
“ Y es, it’s doggone hard for a man
to play straight with a gal who’s all
curves.”
A woman is like a tube of Pepso-
dent— she should be squeezed every
day.
Sh e:
“ Dick’s the
most
dangerous
kind o f driver there is.”
H e : “ Is he a hit-and-runner?”
Sh e: “ N ot exactly, but th at’s what
I have to do when he parks.”
June, 1941
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