Automatic Age

January, 1941
AUTOMATIC AGE
164
FUNNY BONE TICKLERS
ANY SIM IL A R IT Y TO PERSONS L IV IN G OR D EA D IS
P U R E L Y IN T EN T IO N A L
IL
A vicar was asked by one of his
least respectable parishioners to say
prayers on Sunday for Anna Bell.
The clergyman did so.
A few days later he asked the
parishioner if he desired the prayers
for Anna Bell to be repeated.
“No thank ’ee kindly, sir, she won
last Monday at 7 to 1.”
Excited Young Father: “Quick, tell
me, is it a boy?”
Nurse: “Well, the one in the middle
is.”
A Scot went to Australia. When
he returned three years later he
found his three brothers, all with
beards, at the railway station.
“W hat’s the big idea?” he asked.
“Ye know quite well ye took the
razor awa’ wi’ ye,” was the reply.
—o—
Blonde: “Isn’t it just terrible, send­
ing all those Marines to South Ameri­
ca? What will they do when they
get there?”
Brunette: “Heavens, my dear, ain’t
you ever been out with a Marine?”
First Motorist: “I love the beauties
of the countryside.”
Second Motorist: “So do I. Some­
times I give ’em a lift.”
—o—
A very self-satisfied man arrived at
the gate of heaven and asked for ad­
mission.
“Where are you from?” asked St.
Peter.
“California.”
“Well, you can come in, but you
won’t like it.”
Down in Texas a short cotton crop
forced a large number of country
negroes to the cities. One of them
applied for a job at one of the large
employment agencies.
“There’s a job at the Eagle Laun­
dry,” said the man behind the desk.
“W ant it?”
The applicant shifted uneasily
from one foot to the other.
“Tell you how it is, boss,” he said
finally, “I sure does want a job
mighty bad, but de fack is, I ain’t
never washed a eagle.”
The village Lady Bountiful met an
old farm laborer on his way to work
and was surprised that her greeting
was wasted.
“Jones,” she said, reprovingly, “you
might at least raise your hat to me.”
“I beg your pardon, m ’lady,” said
the peasant. “But my poor wife ain’t
been dead ten days and I ain’t started
lookin’ at the wimmen yet.”
Salesman: “How do you like your
new electric washer?”
Lady: “Not so good. Every time
I get in the thing, those darn paddles
knock me off my feet.”
Local Woman: “My husband is the
only man who ever kissed me.”
Neighbor: “Are you bragging or
complaining?”
A Yale player was teaching some
cowboys how to play football. He
explained the rules and ended as
follows:
“Remember, fellows, if you can’t
kick the ball, kick a man on the other
side. Now let’s get busy. Where’s
the ball?”
One of the cowboys shouted: “The
heck with the ball! Let’s start the
game!”
The dean of a college was investi­
gating a charge made by some of the
girls that the men who lived in the
fraternity house next door forgot to
lower their shades.
The dean looked out of the sorority
window and said: “Why, I can’t see
into any of the fraternity house
windows.”
“Oh. yes you can!” chorused the
girls. “All you have to do is to get
up on a chair.”
—o—
A well-oiled gentleman picked up
the phone.
“Hello! Hie. Hello!”
“Hello!”
“Hello!”
“Jeepers!” he complained. “How
this echoes!”
“How do you know that the gunner
was drunk last night?”
“He crawled up the gangway on
his hands and knees with a bottle of
liquor tied around his neck and tried
to make me believe he was a St.
Bernard dog looking for a blizzard.”
An enterprising pastor, called to a
parish in a small Scotch mining town,
worked faithfully, added many new
members, and finally built a new
A little girl was put in an upper
church. A steam heating plant was
berth for the first time. She kept
put in, and the little meeting house
crying till her mother told her not to
seemed to be complete in every way,
be afraid, because God would watch
except it had no bell. Members had
Judge:
“D o y o u
believe in
over her. “Mother, are you there?”
given so liberally that the pastor de­
divorce?”
she cried. “Yes.” “Father, are you
cided to raise enough funds from out­
Liza: “Yes, Jedge ah does.”
there?” “Yeah.” A fellow passenger
Rastus (interrupting) : “How come siders to buy a bell.
lost all patience at this point and
“Ye say ye ’ave a noo church?”
you believe in deevoce, woman?”
bellowed forth: “We’re all here. Your
Liza: “Well, Jedge, hit’s disaway. one hard-handed Scotch miner replied
father and mother and brothers and
Ah sorta feels we needs sumpin to to the pastor’s appeal.
sisters and aunts and uncles f.nd
“Yes,” said the pastor.
.
keep us women in circulation.”
cousins. All here— now go to sleep.”
“An’ noo ye want a bell for it?”
There was a pause, then, very softly,
“Yes.”
-
Magistrate: “Have you anything
“Mama.” “W ell?” “Was that God?”
“An’ ye say the choorch is ’eated
to say before I pass sentence?”
Burglar: “Yus, m’lud. It's a bit by steam?”
“Do you know what good clean fun
“Yes.”
thick bein’ identified by a bloke wot
“Mom,” said the miner, “wy dunt is?”
kept ’is head under the bedclothes the
“No, what good is it?”
ye put a whistle on it?”
whole time.”
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