Automatic Age

114
February, 1941
AUTOMATIC AGE
FUNNY BONE TICKLERS
A N Y S IM IL A R IT Y T O P E R SO N S L IV IN G OR D E A D IS
P U R E L Y IN T E N T IO N A L
An old lady walked into a court and
said to one of the judges, “ Are you
the judge of reprobates?” “ I am
Judge of Probate,” he replied. “ Well,
that’s it, I suspect. You see my hus­
band died detested and left me sev­
eral infidels, and I want to be their
executioner.”
H e: “ Are you fond of indoor
sports?”
She: “ Yes, providing they go home
early.”
A fly was walking with her daugh­
ter over the head of a very bald
man.
“ Things certainly have changed,”
she said. “ When I was your age this
was all thick woods.”
Nervous Passenger: “ Don’t drive
so fast around the corners. It makes
me nervous.”
Chauffeur: “ Do what I do — shut
your eyes when we come to a cor­
ner.”
Two hefty-looking men, who, from
the look of their clothes, had just fin­
ished work of a pretty rough kind,
were dining in one of the all-night
restaurants.
One of them was sawing violently
at a piece of steak, each mouthful be­
ing won by sheer hard work. A t last
he came to a particularly tough
^>iece and, turning to his mate, he said
in a hoarse whisper that could be
heard plainly: “ ’Tain’t the food wrot
does yer good ’ere, Joe; it’s the
blinkin’ exercise.”
“ I turned the way I signaled,” said
the lady, indignantly, after the crash.
“ I know it,” retorted the man.
“ That’s what fooled me.”
“ House-to-house business seems to
be picking up. Did you land any or­
ders today?”
“ No, sir, but I found several places
wbere they talked to me without
hooking the screen.”
“ And how would you like one of
us gay girlies as a w ife?”
"“ Quiet!”
First Steno: “ Why, dearie, the boys
run after my kisses.”
Second Steno: “ So what? A fter
mine they limp.”
He took her rowing on the lake,
She vowed she’d go no more.
I asked her why— she answered me
He only hugged the shore.
“ Thought you had a date with
Dorothy tonight?”
“ Well, when I saw her leave her
house at five minutes of eight with
someone else, I got sore and called it
off.”
A man stepped up to the circus
ticket wagon. Fourteen children of
assorted sizes were in line behind him.
“ Are these all yours,” the ticket
seller asked.
“ Yep, all mine,” replied the circus
goer.
“ Brother, you don’t need tickets.
Just stand where you are and I ’ll
bring the animals out.”
Broadmindedness is the ability to
smile when you suddenly discover
that your roomate and your girl are
missing from the dance floor.
Pessimist (looking at new road­
ster) : “ How many will this car hold?”
Optimistic Salesman: “ Three, but
six can get in if they’re well ac­
quainted.”
Doctor: “ How’s the patient this
morning?”
Nurse: “ I think he’s regaining
consciousness. He ti’ied to blow fhe
foam off his medicine.”
City Siren: “ You’re certainly bash­
ful, my man. You drop your eyes
when I gaze into them.”
Country Fellow: “ Bashful, nothin’.”
I ’m lookin’ at your le g s!”
“ My brother makes his living put­
ting people on canvas.”
“ W hat is he, a painter?”
“ No, a wrestler.”
“ Should I marry a man who lies
to me?”
“ Lady, do you want to be an old
maid?”
Together they talked of their kith
and kin.
He said: “ May I kith you?” and
she said, “ you kin.”
“ How do you like your new boss,
Mayme?”
“ Oh, he ain’t so bad, Lil, only he’s
kinda’ bigoted.”
“ Whadda y ’mean, bigoted?”
“ Well, he thinks words can only be
spelled one way.”
© International Arcade Museum
A friend of ours was on the point
of leaving his home one morning re­
cently when his daughter aged foui',
called after him: “ By, daddy, be a
good boy. Don’t do anything wrong
. . .” and then as an after-thought:
“ where anyone can see you.”
The wallYower's ambition, is to be
able to grow on a man.
The man who is lucky in love re­
mains single.
The opening of school
always
brings forth a number of amusing
incidents, and one of the best is that
reported by a teacher in the tenement
district who was trying to impress
her young pupils with the importance
of being original.
She illustrated by saying: “ Mickey,
repeat these sentences in your own
words: “ I see a cow.
The cow is
pretty. The cow can run’.”
Mickey said: “ Boy, lamp de cow.
A in ’t she a honey!
A n ’ I ask you,
kin she take it on the lam ?”
Hubby: “ I ’ve admitted that I was
wrong. W hat more do you want me
to do?”
W ife : “ Just own up that I was
right.”
“ The Sultan’s son is apt to be a
bit wild.”
“ Oh, harum scarum, eh?”
“ Oh, no; he’s used to them.”
“ Does your husband talk in his
sleep?”
“ No, and it’s terribly exasperat­
ing. He just grins.”
http://www.arcade-museum.com/